


9 1/2 Puns

by TheRealSokka



Series: After Hell and before Heaven [1]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Beatrice and Ava are perfect and you can't change my mind on this, Camila is a Badass, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mary and Lilith are done with this shit, Post Season 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25632097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRealSokka/pseuds/TheRealSokka
Summary: Being on the run from demons and the Church is not easy. Even if your team consists of four trained sister warriors and one enthusiastic amateur.And especially not if Ava and Beatrice constantly try to one-up each other with terrible puns.(Post Season 1 continuation/nonsense)
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Series: After Hell and before Heaven [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869328
Comments: 19
Kudos: 417





	9 1/2 Puns

It’s one thing to fight demons or mercenaries with assault rifles. It’s quite another having to fight unarmed civilians.

Beatrice was aware of that fact, but it doesn’t make this any easier. The horde of possessed people is steadily closing in on them, and reasoning with them is pointless, she knows. She is trying her best to only knock them out when they lunge at her, without doing any serious harm, but there are so many of them. However many demons Adriel commands, it’s more than four sister warriors can deal with for much longer.

Speaking of Adriel. Beatrice pushes an old lady with a walking stick back into the group of hostiles, buying herself some space, and turns her attention to the duel happening in the middle of the courtyard. Adriel – angel, fallen angel, demon or whatever he is – likewise carries no weapon, but it’s evident that he doesn’t need it. Ava is dancing around him like a dervish, her halo glowing brightly, trying to skewer him with her divinium sword. Her blows always stop inches before making contact, seemingly blocked by nothing but air and Adriel’s will. He is smiling. Ava needs to surprise him somehow, Beatrice thinks desperately before she needs to focus back on her own problems. But her friend is still too untrained. Uncoordinated.

“Does anybody have a plan?” Lilith calls from somewhere to her right. “Now would be a good time.”

“How about I shoot this guy in the face?” That’s Mary, having appeared right next to Beatrice. She has both her shotguns cocked in her hands. “Get me through these idiots and I’ll show him what a shitty angel he is.”

“You can’t beat him.” Beatrice protests. They’ve already tried that. “Only Ava can. We have to…”

A cry makes both of them turn to the courtyard. Adriel has gotten Ava by the throat and throws her against a nearby wall. She phases right through, disappearing from their view. Adriel turns to them. “Areala might have stopped me.” he says and shakes his head mournfully. “This one is not her.”

Mary and Beatrice exchange a glance and charge at the demon-possessed humans. They part in front of them as if on a silent signal, letting them through and closing ranks again behind them. Out of the corner of her eye, Beatrice sees that Lilith and Camila have done the same. Now they’re all trapped in the circle with Adriel.

He slowly walks towards them. The air around his fingers is twisting unnaturally. “That was not smart. I expected more from you. You are the elite of God’s armies, are you not?”

“And you’re a little bitch.” Mary shoots back, immediately followed up by a shot from both her guns. The bullets hit Adriel’s chest without any visible damage.

He smiles wolfishly. “Feisty. Let’s see how…”

“Hey!” a voice shouts. Everyone, including Adriel turns to the part of wall where it has come from. Then the wall explodes, without warning, and Adriel is knocked down by an enormous piece of mortar. Beatrice is so taken off guard that she completely forgets to take cover. Luckily none of the pieces hit her.

Ava jumps through the hole in the wall. She looks dusty and extremely angry, but not hurt. “Yes, get stoned, motherfucker!” she yells.

“What, did just walking through those get too boring for you?” Mary calls to her. “Thanks for joining us again.”

“I break things when I’m pissed.” Ava calls back. She notices the rubble starting to shift as Adriel tries to get up again, and growls. “Oh no, you don’t!” She raises her sword and runs it through the angel’s chest. Both she and the sword start to glow blindingly bright. Adriel’s look betrays more surprise than pain as his skin starts to flake away. A second later he is gone.

There’s a resounding silence. Belatedly, Beatrice remembers the demon horde behind them and whips around, staff at the ready. But nobody is coming at them. The entire mass of possessed people seems to have collectively collapsed where they stood.

“Have we won?” Lilith is the one to break the silence.

“Holy shit!” Ava exclaims. She’s still clutching the sword.

“Language.” Beatrice remembers to say. Then she runs to her and gives her a quick once over. There’s dark circles under Ava’s eyes, but nothing more serious than exhaustion that she can see. “Are you okay?”

“Fine. I think.” she nods and gives her a smile.

“Girl, that was spectacular.” Mary joins them. She looks as impressed as Mary ever does. “Nice move.”

“You just blew up part of the Piazza San Pietro.” Camila says, looking horrified. And also extremely guilty, even though she had no part in the blowing up.

“Well, if I wasn’t excommunicated before, I’m pretty sure I am now.” Ava says drily.

“Certainly with Duretti in charge.” Lilith makes herself heard. “But can we focus on getting some distance, right now? I doubt we can explains this to _them_.” She points to the far end of the plaza, where several police cars with active sirens are pulling up.

Beatrice places a hand on Ava’s shoulder. “Can you run?”

“Sure.” Ava takes two steps and collapses. She grimaces. “On second thought; maybe not.”

“Hang on.” Mary slings one of Ava’s arms over her shoulders, with Beatrice doing the same on her other side. Mary hands one of her shotguns over to Lilith. “You cover our backs. Camila…”

“Into the building; I know a back exit! Follow me!” the younger sister warrior orders and races ahead.

They make their way through the hallways of Saint Peter’s Basilica, the same hallways they had traversed stealthily only hours before. Back then they had thought Father Vincent was on their side and that Lilith was in a hospital bed in Spain, and the plan had been to destroy a non-hostile set of saint’s bones in a tomb. Everything about this has gone so far off plan it’s almost funny, Beatrice thinks. Luckily, at least the Swiss Guard seems to be preoccupied with guarding the pope and the cardinals from this sudden attack on their grounds, so almost no guardsmen try to stop them. The few that do are swiftly knocked out by Camila, who apologizes all the way.

“Hey.” Ava mutters by her side. Beatrice looks at her. Her friend grins tiredly. “I was awesome, wasn’t I?”

“Very awesome.” Beatrice confirms. She feels a warm rush of affection for the girl in her arms. Considering where they started when Ava first met them, there’s really no other word for it. She’s incredibly proud of her.

On Ava’s other side, Mary huffs. “But what on earth was that battle cry, though?” she wants to know. “’Get stoned’? Seriously?”

“I thought it was funny. You know…because I hit him with a rock…” Ava’s head lolls to the side before she can finish her sentence. She’s out cold.

Mary rolls her eyes at Beatrice. “What a heroine. Let’s get her out of here before we all get arrested for that dumb joke alone.”

That is one plan that Beatrice can support.

* * *

_Everything around her is dark._

_The stone presses down on her from all sides. She can feel the weight of dozens of tons resting on her shoulders and only the only the halo stops it from crushing her in this very instant. But she knows that it won’t last for much longer. Is she still going in the right direction? She casts around, feeling a panic approaching, but there is nowhere to tell where she came from. A voice starts laughing somewhere in the stone, as if mocking her for her futile efforts. Then the concrete suddenly collapses on her, crushing her lungs_ …

Ava jolts awake with a cry. Her hands shoot up to her chest, frantically trying to claw the weight off it. It’s still dark. Why is it still dark?!

“Ava! Ava, it’s okay. You’re safe. Breathe.” Beatrice’s face hovers over her, twisted with concern. She takes her hands, slowly prying them away from her chest. “Breathe. It’s me, Ava. You’re safe. It was just a dream.”

 _Just a dream, just a dream_ , Ava repeats. She takes in deep gulps of air, finding that she can actually breathe freely. She can still feel the stone collapsing on her. It dawns on her that she is crushing Beatrice’s fingers with how tightly she is holding on, and quickly lets go. “Th-thanks.” she says shakily.

Without a word, Beatrice embraces her in a hug. She has correctly judged that her friend needs that right now, and Ava clings back. It’s amazing how much this helps; just to have another person so close, in the knowledge that she’s not in the cold stone anymore. _Friend by your side_ , she remembers. She wonders if Beatrice ever gets tired of her falling into her arms like that, because this is like the fifth time now. She hopes not.

They pull apart after a while. Beatrice gives her a smile. “Better?”

“Yeah.” she nods.

A car door opens and Mary ducks her head in. “Hey, there she is.” she greets. “Welcome back, sleeping beauty.”

Beatrice is nice enough to give Ava an update once she has shaken off the remnants of the nightmare: After escaping the Vatican, they have stolen a car which has now broken down about 20 miles south of Rome. Thankfully they don’t seem to have been followed, or if they have, Mary’s aggressive driving style has lost their pursuers. That explains why her body seems to ache all over, Ava thinks. She also still has a serious headache. Melting an otherworldly douche of an angel to ashes takes some energy; who knew?

“Right, here’s the plan.” Mary fills them in once everybody has gathered around the car’s trunk. “There’s a service place over there. We dump this wreck and get a new car, and we keep driving south. Objections?”

“I guess going back to the Cat’s Cradle is out of the question?” Ava asks.

“Seeing how we shot up the place last time, I doubt we’ll get a warm welcome. We could try explaining, but I don’t see that going over well. I mean, telling them that Adriel was not an angel and that our mission was a lie from the start?”

“Not to mention that Duretti will be after the halo regardless of all that.” Lilith puts in. “I agree. For now we should lay low, until we’ve got a better plan.”

“Exactly.” Mary rubs her hands. “So, Camila hotwires us a car. Me and Beatrice will cover you, just in case those guys,” she points to a group of smoking truckers on the other end of the parking lot, “get any ideas. You two,” she nods at Ava and Lilith, “go into that store and distract the cashier from looking outside; we don’t need police right now. Oh, and buy us some provisions while you’re at it. Whoever owned this pile of shit just had a couple of stale gums in the trunk.”

Ava looks at Lilith, and Lilith at her. It’s evident that this is not the preferred team-up for either of them, but they’ll have to work with it. Who knows, maybe they will discover that they actually have a lot in common, Ava muses. Maybe this road trip is exactly what they need. Don’t people usually bond over these things?

Beatrice takes her arm before they leave. “You okay?” she asks.

She is tempted for a witty reply, but somehow that feels wrong. “I am now. I think.” she just says.

“Good.” Beatrice smiles. “Don’t blow up anything if you can help it, yeah?”

“What do you take me for?” Ava grins back.

Distracting the cashier does not prove to be that difficult. Two black-clad nuns walking into his store, one of them badly bruised, does the trick quite well. They start combing through the aisles, making sure to take their time. Ava has no idea how long it takes to hotwire a car, but judging by everything she has seen of Camila so far, it won’t be that long. Lilith doesn’t seem too concerned about it, in any case. And by that she means, the sister warrior wears no expression to speak of, as usual.

“So.” she says eventually, just to break the awkward silence. “On the run from both demons and the holy pope himself. Ironic how things turn out sometimes, huh?”

Lilith turns to look at her. “Can’t you take this seriously for one moment?”

“Sorry. It’s my coping mechanism.” Ava shrugs. “But still, you have to admit it’s kind of funny.”

“Maybe for you.” Lilith mutters. “For the rest of us, having to fight the order that we’ve protected for years is not really something to laugh about.”

Right. _Not the only person in the universe_ , Ava reminds herself. She might seriously have to start thinking before she speaks. But years of habit in that respect are not exactly easy to overcome. “I’m sorry.” she forces herself to say.

Lilith sighs. “I get why you are this way.” she concedes. “At least I think I do. But these forces we’re up against, they won’t care much for your witticisms. If you had some discipline and training it wouldn’t just benefit you, but the entire team. Especially in that fight against Adriel.”

“I thought that went rather well, all things considered.” Ava can’t help but grin. “Yeah, it wasn’t flawless, but I did take him down, didn’t I? I’d give myself a _glowing_ review.” She pointedly taps at her back, right where the halo is.

Lilith rolls her eyes. “Of course you would. But stupid jokes aside, if you were properly trained, we could have ended that fight five minutes earlier. Our only advantage was that Adriel didn’t know what you could do at full strength. He will the next time.”

“I stabbed a sword through his chest and he disintegrated.” Ava protests. “I don’t think there’s going to be a next time.”

“Then you’re naïve.” Lilith states bluntly. “Things like Adriel don’t just die. He might be gone for now, but I guarantee you that that was not the last we’ve seen of him. And when we do, you have to be…”

“Properly trained, I get it.” Ava picks up a dozen crisp packets from the shelf and stumbles towards the counter. “Look, I will. But right now there’s a big part of me that just wants to relax for a second. And the other part has a suspicion that you’re just saying this because you enjoy knocking me on my ass.”

Lilith smiles. Actually _smiles_. “I do, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, you learn the fastest through mistakes and pain.”

“No offense, but I think I prefer Beatrice’s teaching methods.”

“That’s another thing.” Lilith adds. “You two have to stop distracting each other.”

“Pardon me?” Ava turns to her fully. _What in God’s name is she talking about now?_ “We’re not – _distracting_ each other. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s hard to distract Beatrice from anything.”

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you, and it’s none of my business. But back in Rome she would have almost lost her head because she was too focussed on you getting beaten up by Adriel. And if you hadn’t spent five minutes in front of his tomb making small talk, I wouldn’t have gotten the jump on you, either. If I had been an enemy that could have ended badly.”

“Well, luckily you weren’t.” Ava scans Lilith out of the corner of her eye. She still doesn’t quite know what to make of her, or of her sudden appearance down in the crypt. “Right?”

Lilith laughs humourlessly. “If you’re asking whether I’m still Lilith – I honestly don’t know. I feel like me. But it’s like… it’s like there’s something else, too.” She meets Ava’s eyes, and it’s the first time that she sees Lilith looking genuinely afraid. “I know I should be dead. I can’t explain why I’m not.”

Ava nudges her. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad that you’re not.”

“Thanks.” Lilith smiles. “That’s actually…” Suddenly her head snaps up and she looks past Ava, to the store’s window.

“What?” Ava looks around in confusion. Then she hears it too: the sounds of a fight drifting in from outside. She and Lilith exchange a glance. They break into a run, ignoring the shouting store owner behind them.

By the time they bust through the doors, the fight is almost over already. Ava just sees Beatrice knocking down the last of the truck drivers and sending him sprawling on the pavement. As he hits the ground, a red mist escapes from his body and vanishes into the air. All around Beatrice and Mary lay the rest of the trucker crew, all out cold.

They run the rest of the way. “Demons?” Ava gasps as they slide to a stop in front of the three sisters.

Beatrice nods. “Demons. That’s not good.” she adds, ever quick to get to the point.

“I’d say.” Mary kicks one of the unconscious truckers. “Do you think they were after us, or just popped into these guys randomly?”

“Either way, they’re _here_ and not in hell where they should be.” Camila looks around uncertainly. “I though getting rid of Adriel would banish them…”

“Well, apparently it hasn’t.” Ava mutters. She throws Lilith an uneasy glance. “I think we should move.”

“Good plan.” Beatrice nods at her. “Whether they’re after us or not, it can’t hurt to move further away from the tomb. It looked to me like they’re more concentrated around Rome, so going south might help.”

“Exactly.” Ava agrees, pretending she has also thought of that. She takes a look at the new car that Camila has hacked. At least that looks like an improvement to their situation. Very few things seem to, lately.

* * *

From day one, it has been clear to Beatrice that Ava and Mary would someday get into a nasty fight. Their personalities are just too similar; similar with a lot of explosive potential. So there was bound to be some tough disagreement at some point. Beatrice just hasn’t anticipated it breaking out over apple pie, of all things.

“You can’t just wander off anytime you feel like it!” Mary yells.

“I was hungry!” Ava defends herself. There’s still a smudge of fruit and sugar on her cheek. She holds out a handful of colourful boxes. “Look, I got you guys some pie, too.”

“You…!” Mary aims a punch at Ava’s shoulder, which she phases right through.

In her defence, Beatrice can see where Mary is coming from. They’re all a bit on edge right now, and waking up on the backbench of their land rover to find Ava suddenly gone has legitimately scared her. A frantic search had ensued, with theories ranging from Duretti abducting her to demons possessing her being floated. Beatrice, for her part, was just exceedingly relieved to see Ava stumbling out of the bakery across the street moments later. But evidently relief is not the foremost emotion on Mary’s mind right now.

“There’s a lesson about team play here that you still haven’t gotten into you skull.” she seethes. “You _communicate_ with us! Especially now.”

“And that coming from you?” Ava shoots back, her face flushing. “You’re the one who likes to do everything alone.”

“When it makes _sense_ , yes. This doesn’t. You don’t.”

“I’m sorry, but I got us a bunch of truly _excellent_ pies here. That makes a lot of sense to me.”

“Because your brain is the size of a walnut.”

“Those are also in there.”

“One more clever word and I swear…”

“Yeah? What? You’re going to kill me? Ask Adriel how that goes.”

“Calm _down_!” Beatrice finally interjects, stepping up to them. When neither of them listens she whips out her staff and thumps it against the ground. “Ava. Mary has a point. Mary…” She takes a deep breath. Someone has to defuse this situation. “Calm down. Ava is just more _pie_ ous than you.”

The two women freeze halfway through trying to get each other into a headlock and look at her in unison. Their dumbfounded looks are something to behold, and Beatrice quickly takes a mental snapshot. She wishes she had a real camera, to tease them with this later.

Then Ava starts to chuckle, her startled look morphing into one of appreciation. She backs down and holds out one of the boxes to Mary. “Amen to what she said. That was excellent. Truce?”

Mary glances between the two of them, and Beatrice can’t honestly tell whether she’s about to accept or hit them both. Then she huffs and snatches the box from Ava’s hand. “Truce.” she agrees, not without one last threatening look at Ava.

Ava grins and dances over to Beatrice, pie boxes in hand. “Just for that pun, you get first pick. There’s still one of those with this truly amazing cream on top…”

“Don’t run off like that again.” Beatrice scolds sternly.

“I promise I won’t.” Ava cocks her head. “Wait. Were you worried about me?”

“No.” She snatches a random box from the pile, following Mary’s example. “You’re just lucky that Mary has a sweet tooth.”

“Calculated risk. Do you have a sweet tooth, too?”

“No.” Beatrice denies. It’s undercut a little bit by the delicious smell coming from the sweet in her hands, making her lick her lips. After days of fast food, this smells like heaven.

“Meaning yes. Good to know.” Ava smirks.

“Come here.” Beatrice orders. When Ava does so, she reaches up to wipe that sugar smudge off her cheek. It’s been bothering her the entire time. And, as a bonus, it also wipes that self-satisfied smirk off Ava’s face. Now she looks rather perplexed. Beatrice smiles to herself and cocks her head. “Why are you still here? I think the others want their breakfast, too.”

Ava raises an eyebrow and turns away, muttering something about ‘pious’ under her breath.

* * *

The sea-green water of the Mediterranean flows past the prow of the ferry below. It’s the only indication that they are travelling rather fast, Ava ponders as she looks back at the shoreline behind them. From this perspective, it looks like they’re standing still. It’s actually rather boring. So she focusses back on the water down below. A larger wave hits the prow and douses her in sea salt. A smile breaks on her face as she licks it off her lips. During her last time on a ferry, she hasn’t even properly appreciated this. She’s been too focused on the cute boy by her side.

JC. She wonders where he is right now, and what he’s doing. Likely not flirting with or taking in strange girls, she thinks with a sarcastic huff. She’s pretty sure she’s frightened him off that for his lifetime.

She thinks back to their first encounter, and to her brief stay with his positively weird friends. That really was a simpler time. Back when her biggest worry was having mysteriously come back from the dead.

Okay, maybe it is only simpler and less horrifying in hindsight.

“Hey.” says a voice next to her. She turns her head to see Camila leaning over the railing, likewise looking at the foam below. Ava wonders if she has ever been on a ship before. She’s the youngest of the group, but still almost certainly more well-travelled than her. That thought should be depressing, but for once she feels excitement, instead. It just means that wherever they are going from now on, for her it’ll be all new. And despite all the demons and other possible dangers, she’s excited.

“Hey.” she greets back. “Where’re the others?”

“Lilith is searching for a place for us to stay, Beatrice is sleeping, Mary is at the bar.” Camila lists off in one breath. She gives Ava a sideways glance. “You – you have told Mary where you are this time, right?”

Ava huffs. “Don’t worry, momma knows where to find me.” As much as the petulant child in her protests, she can do without another argument like the one back on the mainland.

“She’s just worried about you.”

“She sure has a funny way of showing that.” Ava looks at Camila and sighs. “But yes, I know. I don’t mean to be an asshole. It’s genetically wired.”

Camila giggles.

“What?” Ava demands.

“It’s just; Mary used to say the same back when Father Vincent brought her in…” She breaks off, suddenly looking distraught. “Vincent.” she mutters. “I still can’t believe it.”

“Me neither.” Ava obviously hasn’t known the priest for nearly as long as the others, but she still didn’t see that turn coming. And she had really thought Vincent was her friend. It does sting. She can’t even imagine what it must be like for Camila.

“Do you think he’s after us now, too?” Camila asks.

“I fucking hope so.” Ava nods. “I’ll personally kick him in the balls if he does show up. As long as Mary doesn’t get to him first.”

“You really shouldn’t curse this much.”

“And you should dress less like nuns.” Ava counters. She nods at Camila’s habit. They’re all still wearing those, even at 35°C. Ava has a heat stroke just from looking at it. “Common sense aside, it’s not exactly inconspicuous.”

“Maybe. But…I don’t have any other clothes.” Camila admits.

“We’ll fix that once we’re back on land.” Ava promises. She looks ahead, at the island whose shore is outlined against the horizon. As yet, it is still far off in the distance. “Sicily.” she ponders aloud. “You ever been?”

“Not yet, no.” Camila answers, to her surprise and delight. “I think Lilith and Mary have, though.”

“Then we should take some exploration tours of the place; just the two of us. Maybe three.” she suggests, thinking of Beatrice.

A hesitant smile tugs at her friend’s lips. “Maybe.”

Content, Ava turns back to the island in the distance. Spontaneously, she jumps onto the railing, letting her legs dangle over the salt spray. It’s a pleasant feeling. So is the lack of gunfire and demonic screeches. The only thing making noise is the ship’s engine and the sea gulls overhead. It’s peaceful. Ava is surprisingly okay with the quiet, after the hectic nature of the last couple of days. For once, she just closes her eyes and let’s herself feel.

A troubling thought disturbs the peace after a while. “Hey, can you warn me if Mary comes?” she whispers to Camila. “I’m scared of her knocking me off.”

“She wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh, she would. Trust me.”

Camila shrugs. “Even if…what’s the worst that could happen? You have the halo.”

“…I can’t swim.” Ava admits, embarrassed.

“Oh.” Camila looks at her in surprise. Then a smile brightens up her face. “I can teach you! I’m a good swimmer.”

“That’s really nice of you, but no thanks. I’ve confronted enough of my deepest, darkest fears in the last couple of days.”

“Then why stop now?” Camila nudges her. If she didn’t know her at all, Ava would think the mousy little sister almost looked mischievous. “It won’t be terrifying at all, trust me. If we get a house with a pool, you could start in the shallow water and work your way further out slowly.”

“And if we don’t have a pool?” Ava deflects.

“Then we’ll take a trip to the sea.” Camila refuses to be stopped. “That’s actually better; salt is healthier for your skin than chlorine, and you can find all kinds of beautiful shells on the beach! Also, the water is much cleaner here than in Spain and you can see really far into the sea when you dive…”

Ava has to smile at her friend’s enthusiasm. “Okay, okay. I _sea_ your point.”

“Yes. So you’re okay with it?” Camila frowns. “Why are you grinning like that?”

“Nothing.” Ava chuckles. “I just forgot for a second that I wasn’t talking to Beatrice. That sounds really fun, Camila.”

“It is.” Camila agrees. She bounces up and down on her feet eagerly. “You’ll learn how to swim in no time.”

“I’m not making any promises!”

* * *

“Cosy.” Beatrice comments after they have slipped into the grand private villa. She spins once around her own axis, taking in the immaculate carpet, the paintings on the walls and the stone fire place. The room is easily big enough to fit five of their dorm rooms. “Good find, Lilith.”

“Hey, I deserve some credit, too.” Ava pipes up. “I suggested these empty holiday homes as a temporary headquarters, remember?”

“How could we?” Lilith sighs. “You’ve only brought it up every five minutes since we went ashore. I say for that you get cleaning duty.”

“Hey, I don’t deserve that! Shouldn’t we decide that job democratically?” Ava protests.

“No.” Lilith says.

“Yes.” says Camila.

“Maybe we can just take turns?” Beatrice suggests.

“Oh, I know!” Ava looks to Beatrice. There’s a mischievous look dancing on her features. “We play for it. Via a pun contest! The worst one wins.”

Beatrice has to grin, because _of course_ , but the rest of the group does not seem convinced. “I vote we draw straws.” Mary states.

“You’re just scared you’ll lose in an actually intellectually demanding game.” Ava teases.

“You don’t have to be Einstein to think up your kind of terrible jokes, Ava.”

“Oh oh, does that mean you don’t know any?!”

“I do, as a matter of fact. I just don’t want to lower myself to your level.”

“But it’s fun on my level. Come on; come down here; just for a quick peek. I promise you, you won’t want to leave ever again.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Mary grumbles, but Beatrice sees the competitive spark in her eyes. Once she feels challenged, you can get Mary to do almost anything. “Fine!” she finally agrees. She stabs a finger at Ava’s chest. “But there’s one condition: the puns have to be religious themed. See how well you do _there_ , you heathen.”

Ava’s face falls a little. Just as quickly, however, the challenging smirk is back. “You underestimate me.”

“I doubt it.” Mary picks out Camila, who just like Beatrice has been watching the exchange in silent amusement “I trust you; you’re our judge. Lilith, Bee, you wanna join in as well?”

“Sure.” Beatrice replies at the same time as Lilith says, “I think I’ll pass.” Beatrice shoots her sister a disappointed look. Then she rapidly goes through her catalogue of religious peculiarities and possible wordplays. There’s a few she can immediately rule out, because they’re just too dirty. But too plain, and she won’t get a laugh, especially not from Ava. It’s a fine line to tread.

“I’ll go first.” Mary announces. She clears her throat. “Hmhm. What was the pope’s next project after the crusades? **Urban** ization.”

There’s a few appreciative nods around the circle. “Not bad.” Lilith concedes. She pointedly looks in Ava and Beatrice’s direction. “Higher quality than the usual standard these days.”

“Hey!” the two of them protest in unison.

“Fair.” Camila rules. She points at Ava. “Your turn.”

Ava is bouncing up and down excitedly. “I’ve got a good one. Hrm hrm. What does a Muslim say when you ask them who’s hotter; Jesus or Muhammad?”

Beatrice raises an eyebrow. “Is this going to be offensive?”

“No; what do you think of me? The Muslim, what he says is: ‘I can’t imagine.’”

When there’s no response, Ava looks around at the others. “You know, cause there’s no pictures of Muhammad…?”

“Yeah, we get it.” Mary says. “It’s just a really dumb joke.”

Ava gives an offended huff and looks askance at Beatrice. She can only shrug. “It is pretty terrible.” she agrees.

“Mary has the upper hand.” Camila announces.

“No one appreciates me.” Ava mutters. “See you come up with anything better. Yours was awful too by the way, Mary.”

“Bite me.”

“Don’t celebrate quite yet.” Beatrice accepts the challenge. She’s pretty confident in this one, but it’s clear that this circle is a much harsher critic than Ava. Ava usually chuckles at most of her puns. She takes a deep breath. “Here goes: What does the Dalai Lama say when he walks into a pizza shop?”

“Uh… something something peace?” Lilith tries.

“I’ll take a plain margarita pizza, because life is immaterial anyway?” Mary suggests.

“Your understanding of Tibetan Buddhism is truly astounding.” Beatrice deadpans. “No, he says: ‘Make me one with everything.’”

To her immense satisfaction, that causes a number of chuckles around the table. Camila giggles and pats her on the back. “Good one!”

“Solid.” Lilith agrees.

“…I don’t get it.” Ava admits.

“Seriously? The Dalai Lama? Enlightened being? One with the Force, or whatever it was they call it?” Mary lists off.

“Yeah, I get that.” Ava drums her fingers against herleg, a habit of hers that Beatrice has learned to interpret as unease. “But… ooh, is that how you usually order a pizza? ‘Make me one with everything’?”

“You’ve never been to a pizza shop.” Beatrice realizes belatedly. Sometimes she forgets about all the things that this girl never got to experience. It’s easy to forget when Ava is always bouncing around and cracking jokes and commenting on everything and – well, being Ava.

“What, and those movies of yours never featured one, either?” Mary wants to know.

“Well, not prominently. It’s not like there’s a lot of movies revolving around pizza shops. At least I’ve never heard anyone use that phrase.”

“Girl, you can’t have never gone to a good pizza place in your life.” Mary protests. “That’s like a black-hole-sized cultural blind spot. We have to fix that as soon as possible.”

“I saw one down the street, before we broke in here.” Camila contributes, always helpful. “Does anybody have money?”

“I have my knives.” Lilith offers.

“Unless you plan to sell those for pizza, that is not an okay idea, Lilith.” Beatrice objects. She casts around the room for anything valuable. “Maybe we can find some money in here somewhere, or a credit card. Didn’t you say that’s what your squatter friends did, Ava?”

“Yeah!” she agrees. “Come on, let’s have a look around. I’m actually starving, now that we’ve started talking about food.” She jumps to her feet and races over to the adjoining room. On her way her shoulder brushes Beatrice’s by accident, and Beatrice has to make a conscious effort not to jump. She tries her best not to dwell on where that reflex came from, or why her shoulder suddenly feels so warm and tingly.

Well. She has a feeling she knows why. It just helps to pretend that she doesn’t sometimes.

“Bee? You okay there?” Mary looks at her quizzically. Everyone else has gotten up and is following Ava’s example.

“Yes. Sure. Money and pizza.” she gets back on mission. While the others head for the other rooms, she starts combing through the drawers, making sure not to look at Mary. Or Ava.

Stupid shoulder. Stupid feelings.

* * *

“Block low!” Beatrice instructs. “High. Counter. Good.”

Ava nods, bouncing on the balls of her feet to keep mobile. She never knows what Beatrice will throw at her next. She resists the urge to send a mournful look towards the ocean that is sparkling in the sun only a couple hundred meters away. They could be lounging in the shallows right now, letting the water cool some of this heat. Or she could take up Camila on her offer to teach her swimming, if she felt especially brave. But no. Here they are, sparring in this truly. Ridiculous. Heat.

It has been her own idea, Ava reflects, blocking another of Beatrice’s strikes. Lilith did have a point when she said she needed more training, unfortunately. At the very least, she doesn’t want to be kicked around like a rag doll each time she spars with any of the sisters. She glances at her opponent and has to smile. Sparring is also one of the very few occasions where Beatrice drops her habit for a while. Her hair is quite pretty when it’s not hidden 90%, and Ava has told her so repeatedly. The most response she’s gotten so far is an eye roll. Seems like the habit is here to stay, unfortunately. But she can at least enjoy the view for a few seconds, before Beatrice inevitably lands a hit on her again.

“Fast strikes.” her instructor orders. Ava does so. “You’re overextending. Fall back and dodge. Now block low. Your right is wide open.”

Ava blocks and promptly gets hit in the face by a kick that sends her stumbling to the ground. “Ouch.” she winces.

“Your other right.” Beatrice helps her back up. She has that half-amused and half-scolding look on her face that always seems to come out when they spar.

“Sorry. I just get confused with directions sometimes. Especially when I’m under pressure.”

“Then don’t think. Just react.”

“But _you’re_ always thinking when you’re fighting.” Ava argues. “Like, you always try to be one or two steps ahead of your opponent. You said so yourself.”

“Yes, but I’ve got a bit more experience at this than you.” Beatrice’s smile vanishes abruptly. Without warning, she aims a wide swing at Ava’s head, and Ava is so startled that she only just manages to duck before it connects. “Defend!” Beatrice yells.

 _Easier said than done_ , Ava’s brain thinks petulantly as she tries her best to comply. Then it can’t think anything at all anymore, because _holy shit_ Beatrice is not kidding now. She’s punching and kicking and feinting at her from all angles, without giving her a moment to breathe. In the first ten seconds, Ava has to take at least a dozen hits to her torso, head and legs, but this time Beatrice gives no sign of stopping. Ava dodges the next attack and scrambles backwards out of reach. She’s really going to have to fight this out, isn’t she? Before she can even finish the thought, Beatrice is already on her again.

It becomes a struggle to block the hits that she can somewhat anticipate and just take those that she can’t. There’s a lot of the latter, and soon her entire body feels bruised. She can feel herself getting frustrated, but there’s simply no time to entertain that feeling at all in the endless chain of block-dodge- _dammit she hit me again_!

Finally, she manages to block a hit to her chest and realizes in the same split second that Beatrice has gotten around her defence and is aiming a knock-out punch at her face. Her fist draws closer as if in slow motion, makes contact – and passes through Ava’s skin without harm as her halo activates. The lack of resistance makes Beatrice lose her balance for a moment, and Ava instinctively lashes out. Her fist connects with Beatrice’s side and Ava looks at it in surprise. She’s actually managed to land a counter hit!

Beatrice holds her side and looks up, giving her a cat-like grin. Then she sweeps the legs out from underneath Ava and jumps on top of her, pinning her arms down. “Not bad. But right there you were thinking again.” she pants.

“I hit you!” Ava calls triumphantly. She doesn’t even struggle against the other’s hold; she’s just too giddy. “That’s what; 122 to 1?”

“Let’s say 150.” Beatrice grins back, tightening her hold on her wrists for emphasis. Her grin is like a sunrise in the way it seems to light up her entire face whenever she allows it to come out. How can anyone possibly look that nice after just beating the crap out of her, Ava ponders to herself. Never mind that the aggressive fighting, flushed cheeks and loosened hair that she’s looking at is also just objectively, unquestionably sexy.

“Ahm.” Beatrice clears her throat and gets up. “You see what I mean? You do a much better job when you’re not overthinking things.” She demonstrates a quick series of defensive positions, all the while not really looking at her, Ava notes. “Once you’ve gotten more practised, these will come automatically. _Then_ you can start thinking about your opponent’s moves and planning ahead. Once you master _that_ , you can make yourself almost untouchable.” She nods in her direction. “Well, except to cheating halo bearers, of course.”

“It’s a fair strategy!” Ava protests. Then she smiles as something occurs to her. “Hey. You said the way you predict your opponents’ moves makes you unable to be hit?”

“At least not fatally, yes.” Beatrice confirms, taking a long gulp from her water bottle.

“So, what you’re basically saying is – you’re a think tank?”

Beatrice snorts, spraying water all over the yard. She starts coughing, seemingly having inhaled an uncomfortable amount. Ava quickly rushes over to her to pat her on the back until she’s gotten it out of her system. She can’t help but feel a little proud of herself. _Ava Silva, Warrior Nun. Secret weapon: knock-out puns_.

“Not okay!” Beatrice wheezes once she can somewhat breathe again.

Ava gives her a smug smile. Then she karate flips her friend on her back, taking her turn to climb on top and pin her down. “All’s fair in love and war, as they say.”

She half expects Beatrice to throw her off with some secret ninja technique. Instead, she just sighs and leans back. “That was truly awful. Both the pun and the dirty strategy.”

“Come on, you’re impressed with me. Admit it.”

There is that sun-like grin again. “Maybe a little bit. Don’t let it get to your head.”

Ava grins back and pulls her to her feet. She _has_ to think up more genius puns, she resolves. Because she thinks it has just become her life’s goal to make Beatrice smile like that as often as possible.

* * *

“Don’t read into it.” Beatrice mutters to herself. “You know what happens when you do this. Just don’t. It’s not what you think. There’s bigger things to worry about.”

It’s just – there’s always these little moments. These little interactions that make her think that there’s something more. But then they always pass, and she plays it off, and Ava doesn’t even seem to notice that there was anything. Beatrice scrunches up her empty water bottle with more force than necessary. This is truly pathetic. As a rationally thinking person, she should be able to recognize a false theory when she sees it. “Stupid.” she mutters.

“What’s stupid?” Ava’s voice asks from behind her, making her jump. She had thought Ava had already gone back into the house, since she has been moaning about the heat for the past ten minutes.

“It’s nothing. Just talking to myself.” Beatrice manages.

The other nudges her, grinning. “You know, talking to yourself is not a good sign. I’m kind of an expert on that.”

There it is again. In the span of a heartbeat, Beatrice rounds on her. “Cur…cur sic tibi debes esse?! Ne te meam mentem frangere scis?” she exclaims, reverting to Latin.

Ava raises her hands in surrender, her eyes going wide. “It’s not my fault! What have I done now?”

Beatrice already regrets ever having opened her mouth. “…Nothing. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.”

“Okayyyy...” Ava looks at her cautiously. “You’re frightening when you’re tired. Was that Italian, by the way?”

“Latin.” she corrects.

“What does it mean?”

“That you’re nosy and shouldn’t spy on other people having a moment.” Beatrice replies crossly.

“Can’t help it, sorry.” Ava’s expression becomes half serious. She clasps Beatrice’s shoulder. “You know, if you want to talk about anything…I’m not much help, but I’ll listen if you want me to.”

 _Yeah. Right_.

* * *

They've decided not to split up over the house's bedrooms for the night. None of them says it out loud, but Ava is pretty sure she is not the only one who doesn't want to let the others out of her sight after what happened at the service station back on the mainland. So they've upended all the mattresses and dragged them down to the living room where they can all huddle around the fire place. It's burned out by now, leaving the room in a dim twilight, but the embers still give off some pleasant warmth. It’s actually quite cosy.

But this sleepover-approach has also quickly revealed the fact that there are only four mattresses in the entire house for the five of them. Basic math says that there's a problem there. However, Ava feels compelled to disagree with basic math on this one. Because ending up sharing a mattress with Beatrice is not what she would consider a problem. It's pretty much on the opposite end of the scale, in fact.

(It’s not like they had planned it. It just happened by coincidence that the two of them were the ones who announced that they would be okay with sharing one. So what if Ava happens to quite like her new mattress mate? And anyway, she is the one with the demon-induced nightmares. The least she's entitled to is a beautiful face next to her when she wakes up. For reassurance purposes.

And she really hopes she didn’t accidentally say _that_ out loud.)

The only downside is that Beatrice is also currently on the opposite end of the mattress. She's made as big a gap as possible between them - probably out of some overrated notion of personal space - and she looks like she is about to slip off the edge at any moment. Ava sighs. "You know, the mattress can handle more than 50% of you being on it." she whispers sarcastically.

"I'm comfortable here, thanks." Beatrice whispers back.

"What? I can't hear you from all the way over there."

Beatrice frees a hand from her covers to flip her the bird.

Ava flips one right back. "Jesus, just scoot a little. I don't bite." she whispers.

"Language." Beatrice admonishes.

"Don't make me come over there." Ava threatens.

"I'll have you know that I know 13 ways of knocking you out while lying down..."

"Oh my God, is that a threat or a promise?!"

There's a groan somewhere to their right. "Ugh. I swear, if you don't let me sleep, I'll come over there and tie you two together with your own shoe laces!" Mary whisper-shouts.

Ava is very tempted to say some nonsense and let her carry out that warning, but knowing Mary she'd probably intentionally tie them together head to foot or something. That would not do. Anyway, the blush on Beatrice's face is already reward enough. She can't see it in the dark, of course, but she's like 95% sure it's there.

After a few beats of silence there is a shuffle in the dark and Ava feels a knee knock against hers. "Sorry." comes the embarrassed whisper, now delightfully closer.

"Forgiven." she smiles. "But shh, before Mary gets mad."

"I wasn't kidding." Mary's voice sounds. "Seriously, you know the things I do to my enemies. What makes you think you're exempt, just because we’re friends?"

"Uh, that is supposed to be how friendship works." Ava replies. She makes a show of continuing to whisper, even though she is pretty sure that nobody is sleeping anymore by now. "I've found a dictionary upstairs; look it up."

"She has a point there." Beatrice comes to her aid, and Ava can almost hear the smile in her voice. It's a nice sound, and even if she gets demolished by Mary now, Ava won't have any regrets.

"Alright, you're actually willing to incur my wrath, then." Ava can hear the sound of her friend struggling free of her covers, muttering curses under her breath. "I don't know why you would do this, but you got it."

Ava quietly gets rid of her covers as well, preparing for the throwdown. Then someone says, "I guess you are _in the dark_ as to her motives, Mary."

The light gets turned on abruptly and Mary stares accusingly as Beatrice and Ava. Lilith moans in pain and follows suit.

Beatrice and Ava, in joint confusion, look at Camila.

Camila blushes up to her hair roots. “I thought it was a good one!” she defends herself.

“Heyyy, welcome to the club, my new disciple!” Ava celebrates, making a show of wanting to hug her. Camila blushes even harder, but now looks slightly proud of herself as well.

Mary groans. “Oh, great. Now you’ve infected her, too!”

“As if we needed any more proof that the end times are coming.” Lilith comments. She points at Camila. “Feel bad about yourself. Now turn this light off and let me sleep.”

Darkness falls again. Ava grins in Beatrice’s vague direction. “Why, I thought that was positively _enlightening_.”

Beatrice’s finger flicks her forehead. “Just go to sleep, will you?”

* * *

Ava’s lips taste not at all like Beatrice has imagined.

(Not that she has imagined anything, of course.)

It’s hard to describe. It’s like a mix of cherry (her lip-gloss), chocolate (of course), those prawn-cocktail crisps she loves (ugh!), excitement (or maybe that’s her) and salt. The latter likely comes from sweat, seeing how they’ve been sparing for nearly an hour in the Sicilian heat. She should have probably expected there to be a sweaty taste. But then she hasn’t expected to suddenly be kissing Ava at all; at the very least not now, not here, and not in this life. And it’s not like she isn’t a bit sweaty as well, so it probably evens out a little.

And why on earth is she even thinking right now?

At that point, Beatrice shuts down any conscious train of thought and just loses herself in the kiss. That’s easy to do, because Ava is an eager kisser who doesn’t waste any time overthinking things. Her lips are slightly chapped and parched from the heat, and they press against hers like Beatrice is the water she needs. Beatrice is all too happy to comply. No, not happy. Jumping for joy inside. There’s still a few persistent doubts knocking on the back of her mind, like _‘Is this a dream?_ or ‘ _Didn’t she like boys?!’._ But for once Beatrice ignores them. If this is a dream, she is going to make the most of it, dammit.

Eventually they run into the problem that they do have to breathe. They don’t pull apart very much; only so far that they can still rest their foreheads against each other’s. Beatrice notices that their hands are still intertwined. She has tried to pull Ava’s arm behind her back, and Ava has in turn made an attempt to get her in a chokehold. Somehow, that has turned into this. Beatrice laughs breathlessly. She, for one, has no qualms with the result, and she definitely won’t be the first to let go.

Ava does not seem to want to look away, either. From this close, Beatrice can see small green specks in the dark brown of her irises. Ava takes a breath. “That was…”

“What?” Beatrice asks. She has to suppress the sudden urge to anxiously fiddle with her shirt. Normally Ava rating something only causes her to roll her eyes (and maybe smile a little), but now she really wants to know the answer. Or maybe not, depending on the outcome. Frick, this is really scary.

“…heavenly.” Ava finally finishes.

Now she has to suppress the urge to immediately kiss her again. They’re _very_ close. Still, as the polite person that she is, Beatrice manages to make herself utter a response first. “Yes. Fully agreed.” It comes out a little breathless, probably from her smiling so hard. Then her mind finally fully, consciously processes the word and she can’t help the laugh that escapes her. “Wait, was that another pun?!”

Ava shakes her head as if to clear it. She looks a little dazed. “Don’t know. Mind all confused.” She gives her a smile, and it’s as shy as Ava can probably physically get. “I might need a second try to confirm…?”

She really should reply with a funny, witty pun in return, Beatrice considers. But honestly, she’s just too happy to oblige.

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of Beatrice’s outburst: “Why do you have to be so you?! Don’t you know that you break my mind?"


End file.
